Fear of Mistakes

A French philosopher once said that hell is other people—probably because other people are constantly passing judgment. We don’t like to be judged. But the problem is that we’re passing judgment all the time, too. Look at the Buddha’s analysis of how we construct the present moment with all the different aggregates. He says there’s a potential coming in from the past, and then, with the process of fabrication, we fabricate those potentials into an actual experience of aggregates.

What are the processes of fabrication? One: the way you breathe. Two: the way you talk to yourself—what the Buddha calls “directed thought and evaluation.” And finally, three: perceptions and feelings. You’re doing all of these things right now. As you focus on the breath, you have the breath as your topic. You direct your thoughts to the breath and evaluate the breath, evaluate the mind in relationship to the breath: Is the breath comfortable? How do you know if it’s comfortable? Well, you test it. Try different ways of breathing, and then you can decide which one is best for giving the mind a good place to stay.

Once you’ve got comfortable breathing, how do you maintain it? And as you maintain it, how do you put it to use? Ajaan Lee says that you should start thinking of it as flowing through different parts of the body, so that you can create a good expansive place for the mind to settle down—to fill the whole body with your awareness. So you’ve got the breath, the body, and the awareness all here together.

As you do this, you’re engaging in perceptions—your images of what the breath is, what the breath can do. It’s not just air coming in and out through the nose; it’s the flow of energy in the body. Once you’ve established that perception, then the question is: What can you do with that perception? How can you use it to create feelings of well-being?

One perception I like is of the body as a sponge: As you breathe in, the energy can come in from all directions, penetrating the entire body. That gives rise to a sense of ease. There’s no pressure in pulling the breath in or pushing it out. It flows in naturally. The in-breath flows into the out-breath; the out-breath flows into the in-breath. You don’t try to create an artificial line between the two. You find you can settle down well.

You’ve shaped the present moment and you keep on shaping the present moment by doing these things. Finally, you get to the point where you can drop the directed thought and evaluation. You don’t have to talk about the breath so much anymore, but you do hold on to those perceptions: “This is good; this is where I want to stay.”

That’s an example of what you’re doing all the time as you go through the day. You’ll notice that evaluation is one of those fabrications. You’re passing judgment. There was a German philosopher who once said that our knowledge is not made of just recording facts; each unit of knowledge is passing judgment: Is this worth knowing? Does this fit in with what I knew before? If it doesn’t, discard it; it’s not really knowledge. So you can’t avoid passing judgment. The question is how well you’re doing it.

We suffer from other people because we don’t like the judgments they’re passing on us. We don’t like the standards against which we’re being judged. They feel unfair; they feel oppressive. The problem is that sometimes we internalize those standards and then we suffer. This is why the Buddha says that starting the path requires finding admirable friends—people with good values—because they’re going to judge you, but they’re going to judge you in a helpful way. They’re going to teach you how to judge yourself in a helpful way, how to judge others in a helpful way—in a way that’s conducive to the end of suffering.

That’s what we all want, anyhow, and it’s going to require using our powers of judgment. We take as our standards the duties of the four noble truths: Suffering is to be comprehended. That means that our clinging is to be comprehended. What do we cling to? We cling to our views of the world. We cling to our sensual desires, our sensual fantasies. We cling to our ideas of how things should and should not be done. We cling to our ideas of who we are. You want to comprehend all that.

When you comprehend that, you begin to see that a lot of your suffering from other people’s judgment comes down to that last one: your sense of who you are. You don’t want to be judged as bad. Some people take this so far that they don’t want to make mistakes at all, which means they have to run away from everybody else. But if you’re going to learn that you take your standards of judgment with you when you run away from everybody else. So you need to train in better standards.

You come and try to follow the path. As you develop the path, the question is: Are you doing it well? You judge it as a work in progress and have the attitude that you’re always willing to learn. And how do you learn? You test things. You compare things. Like the simple act of giving a gift: Some people are afraid of giving gifts for fear of giving something that’s not wanted. Well, first you put some thought into it. Then you give the gift and you notice: “Was it used? Was it not used?” If it wasn’t used, okay—just chalk that up to experience. Try to find something else, something that would be more useful. Learn to be more observant. Take an interest in other people. In doing that, you pull yourself out of your own way of going around and around in the same old ways of thinking. You learn something new.

It’s only when you’re willing to make mistakes that you’re going to learn new things. Otherwise, if you just stick with things where you already know you’re safe, your knowledge doesn’t grow. So you want to have an interest in learning more, and learning more requires taking risks. Then you have something to compare. And unlike a worldview in which making a mistake means eternal hell, you have the Buddha’s worldview in which the results of every mistake are not eternal, and you can learn from them.

Remember the Buddha’s attitude in teaching Rāhula: If you make a mistake, go talk it over with someone else. Make up your mind you’re not going to repeat that mistake.

It’s not only now that we face the issue of punishment. Back in the time of the Buddha, there were people who were taught that if you break the precepts, you go to hell or to another bad destination. If you believe that, and if you realize that you’ve broken the precept in the past, as the Buddha said, you’re throwing yourself into hell right away—right here and now. The proper attitude is: You made a mistake. You recognize it as a mistake and that it’s not something to be repeated. Then you develop thoughts of goodwill, thoughts of compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity—for yourself and for all other beings. For yourself, so that you don’t beat yourself up; for other beings, to remind yourself that in all your dealings, you want to be as harmless as possible.

This goes back to the principle that simply because you’ve made a mistake doesn’t condemn you to hell. As the Buddha said, if you’ve done something wrong but you later change your attitude and your views—even up to the moment of death—that can keep you from having to suffer from that mistake. The results of the mistake may still be there in your kammic background, but at least you’ve avoided going to a bad place. The mistake is not written in stone. It’s there to learn from.

And as I said, if you aren’t willing to make mistakes, you’re not going to learn anything at all. So in following the path—in being generous, observing the precepts, and meditating—accept the fact that you will make mistakes and you’ll have to pass judgment on the mistakes. But the judgments are based on a system of values that are for your own well-being. You want to comprehend suffering so that you can get beyond it. You want to abandon the cause—what you’ve been doing—so that it doesn’t cause any more suffering. You want to realize the cessation of suffering, so you want to develop the path that takes you there. Those are all values in your favor. Those are all good standards to be measured against.

And as for the sense of self that doesn’t want to be judged, you have to remember: Everything you do, everything you shape in every present moment, involves some judgment. Everybody else is passing judgment. The question is, as for their judgments, which ones do you want to listen to and which ones are relevant to your tasks—to the friendly tasks that the Buddha set for you?

So don’t let your self-image get in the way of the ability to make mistakes, because it’s from mistakes that you learn, and the willingness to make mistakes shows that you’re willing to learn. An unwillingness to make mistakes means you’ve closed your mind. Which do you want it to be?